Change

Posted by on Apr 4, 2018 in Blog Posts | 0 comments

The last time I wrote here and published, I was wrapping up a Bible study on Ruth and helping my mother take care of my daddy. A few days after that last post, he passed away with family by his bedside and prayer lifted up.

His funeral followed and I dropped off the face of the earth.

Not really, but as far as writing was concerned, I did. So much to process even with his age and illness, death never comes easy no matter the circumstances nor length of preparation nor time spent with a loved one in the days, weeks, and months prior to their passing.

Today, had Daddy still been alive, he would have been 90 years old. I cannot bring myself to go to his grave where the marker has been installed. I think I shall fall apart. One day soon I am going to  take a blanket and lay on the earth looking up at the sky while lying beside his grave marker. Maybe I’ll take our dachshund Beans, whom Daddy enjoyed, and let her lay there with me as I talk to God about my earthly father and praise my heavenly Father for His gracious goodness in giving me such a kind dad all my years until last August. Memories live on and linger and give solace, but I do not think I will get over him being gone until I see him again.

When does the pain stop? Just last week I scrolled through photos on my phone in an attempt to find a particular one and came upon pictures of Daddy with our oldest grandson on my daddy’s 89th birthday. I had taken the grand to the dollar store to pick out a balloon and we attached it to a Snickers bar to weight it down so Daddy could enjoy the balloon until it drooped and then have the sweet treat afterward. We surprised him with the visit as they were sitting down to lunch. Daddy’s smile was….Daddy’s smile. Warm, sparkly, life-giving.

Surprise! While scrolling through the plethora of pictures saved to my phone I came across it and erupted into tears. Alone. Fragile and sad over being without my dad even at 54 years of age.

We never get over those who have been such a blessing to us, no matter how long or short. It’s raw and it’s painful, and ironically it’s joy-filled and hopeful as we ponder the eternal presence of the Trinity.

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