I had another Heart Notes moment this morning. Here goes my confession to you…from one heart after God to another.
Sometimes, I like for you to think I have all aspects of my life together.
Okay, not true. It’s not sometimes, it’s all the time.
Do you want me to think the same about you? Is that so?
Carrying around the load of I-have-it-all-together is really hard and taxing. My brave front becomes a mask of dry and brittle velum. Should you touch it, the mask will flake away crumbling and the real stuff below the surface will be exposed.
Carrying this load is like being a chameleon that changes its color based on its surface contact. You sad? I’ll be sad. You feeling catty? Me, too. Are you tough to share truth with? I won’t share it for fear you’ll not like me anymore.
The problem with this lifestyle is that it eventually robs me of authenticity not only before friends and family, but also before God. While I believe that God knows my heart, therefore, He knows my struggle with this battle of having it all together, I am also aware that to pose myself before Him as one in the shoes of such is a sin. It’s a sin because I am:
- choosing to not speak or live out truth
- elevating myself in my own eyes
- hiding from God (not possible, yet I attempt it)
- giving a false impression
- putting self-imposed, undue stress on my body, soul, and spirit
- not resting in God
- not trusting Him.
I was convicted of this just this morning. Again.
Hence, the reason for my writing today.
Don’t misunderstand me. I am not interested in divulging all my inner battles with every soul I meet today. But, I have been trying to hide some things from God in an attempt to just deal with them in my own strength. I’ve been putting on a brave front of high self-regard and confidence outwardly while on the inside I’ve been ignoring the flag the Spirit’s been waving to signal me to slow down, sit down, and communicate with God. I’ve been ignoring the call to meditate on His Word over some things.
I’ve been hiding fears and worries, doubts and questions.
I’m being suffocated by a python. I’m ready for the python to let go. What about you? Are you hanging on to junk that’s only suffocating you, too? Take time to begin your conversation with God. I am.